So what is it about?

Everything around me right now feels like is on a stand still, yet very noisy. I can see people outside my window just sitting-standing with no ambition to get up and go anywhere. They are just existing in the space. Few cars are leisurely parked, and the highway is having the most relaxed traffic. Yet there is noise, so much noise.

Inside my studio right now, there is a pin drop silence, because I can’t write with a fan or Air-condition on. Their working for me becomes an act of distraction through their machine like omnipresent sound. I only want to hear myself breathe right now.

I am not sure, but establishing this detail made sense to me. There is another observation I wanted to bring up - have you noticed there always is a slump after festivities. I have been observing it from few years. People get excited and look forward to this one day or let's say extended few days to feel the euphoria of life and celebration. Once it is over, you can feel the energy becoming stale and stagnant. As if inside everyone’s asleep self there is a question - now what? What next to look forward to collectively?

I wonder if it is also true about things in life, events in life. Is that why we want to jump from finishing one thing to the other? There are many philosophies on just taking actions after actions in this lifetime. There are many many versions of it. I once went on a spree to explore them to the point where I felt nauseous with these words and words, and teachings and teachings.

I had to stop, reflect, re-evaluate and then heal myself from the nausea of what is that right thing to do.

Which brings me down to the point of fitting into the routine. It often to me sounds synonymous to ‘fit in a box’. Which for me has sparked an interesting curiosity and now I am on a voyage to explore when is that moment where you hit the stagnancy disguised as routine and discipline.

I have been one of those people for whom discipline is the morphine. It is has been that secret chant which has led me to where I am. But even the act of discipline without flow and surrender, with a space for some cosmic surprises is as hallow as a log. As futile as attempting headstand without building arm strength & focus.

So how much routine and fitting in I want, and how much unplanned surprises I can allow to flow in my life? Do you also wonder that?

Sometimes these repetitions of routine brings ecstasy to me, but the moment where it starts feeding my ego, I have to turn over and ask life to take over me with some magic. Because normal scares me that I will fit in, and I don’t want to fulfil that archaic expectation.

The little psychology that I have read and understood tells me that we start to find comfort in those specific acts of repetition because it helps us release Dopamine. And in this world who doesn’t need-want-desire a good slap of dopamine? At the same time I have read that you should every now and then break those neuron connections in the brain and renew it. So, I am assuming science inside the brain also wants a change, a growth, a rejuvenation and a realisation of newer self.

There is always too many debates, what is right what is wrong, and I have felt strongly over the few years that we float only in the greys. Sometimes the greys are heavier on the black and sometimes it is tinted with white. A friend of mine once counter questioned me - just think about it, doesn’t every grey thing also has a black and white origin? And since that day, which has been 7 months now, I have been hyper calculating things inside my brain to filter everything into two parts and track down its origin. Nevertheless I have a continuous sedimentation like process going on in my head, and it is exhausting. But I thrive on it.

As if I am investigating life often separating myself from myself and then reintegrating a newer being.

Does that make us a detective agent within ourselves? Gathering puzzles, making sense of things but in complete disguise in order to refrain from the judgements of the constructed society. So do we really want to routinely fit in?